Your unlearning and learning process will be lifelong.
Yeah, folks say this all the time in some variiation, but what they don’t say is that you won’t be just learning new things, but you will be unlearning a majority of the white supremacist, colonizing, oppressive, and hurtful stuff the field in the US was built upon. Being trained by only racially white people in school, clinical settings, non-profit spaces, will be parts of your training. You do not have to hold on to all they teach you. Most of it is incorrect and wrong anyway. Especially the cultural parts.
Plus, things will change anyway. Language is alive, it will change and this you will learn. You will learn about new findings, new ways the body can heal, new forms of medication and prevention. But you will also have to unlearn all the ways you were told the body usually works. Those forms of training are cissexist, heterosexist, and guesses at best! You will learn folks bodies are not the same, no matter how much folks with MDs and PhDs say they are, and young people will lead this!
The unlearning is something that has been done in secret, a form of shame and embarrassment. But having survived more shame and embarrassment than other folks wish to even understand, you will know that sharing this unlearning process is imperative. Doing this publicly will be healing for you and others. It will be a good example of what is wrong with the field. It will help others come to understand their unlearning process. It will open you up to building connections and networks with folks who holding onto those ideas would push away and keep you isolated.
It will become a part of your integrity.
Unlearning is mostly uncomfortable, but it doesn’t have to be painful. It won’t be if you see it as a gift, a healing, a necessity. It is also collective and you are not doing it alone no matter how often it feels that way. Sometimes unlearning is the only option.
For inquires or to hire email LatiNegraSexologist@gmail.com
You will be in love again, and again, and again.
The “love” you will know will shift and change. It will be a love of life, work, career, knowledge, people, expansion, community, lovers, body, family, emotion, movement, spirit, expression, health, it will be so layered and complex. You will learn about love through your work as a sexologist. These lessons will be unlike any other person may learn in any other field. Sometimes only other folks in the sexology and sex work field may understand. Sometimes they will be yours to keep to and for yourself. Sometimes folks will not ever understand, but that doesn’t make the lesson or the love any less important or valid or transformative.
Sometimes it may feel lonely. Remember you are surrounded by love, so that loneliness is about holding onto something that is not a reality for you, but a reality for someone else. You will teach others about this love the way your body moves, the way you feed yourself, the way you divest in things that do not bring you what you need and desire, the way you invest in people and things and spaces. You will have all you need.
And when you find the partner you will be with for the remainder of this life’s work it will be a challenge. A constant struggle. One that is rooted in the deepest forms of compassion and intimacy that will test you in ways that hurt, ache, vibrate you to your core. It will all be worth it each step of the way. You will find support that will bring you to tears, bring you to your knees, make you question your existence. And each time you will be surrounded by love, touched with loving hands and spirit. This is where you need to be.
Lean into the love as your Irish lookout tells you each time you call her hysterical and speaking in dolphin. The love is there to lean on.
Look at what you’ve written on this subject:
How Do You Discuss The Multiple Layers of Love? (February 2010)
Preparing for ‘the talk’ with your Child (February 2010)
For inquiries or to hire email LatiNegraSexologist@gmail.com
It will be rare when folks will pay you what you are worth to do a workshop, presentation, share original research, or hire you in general.
You get to decide how much you are willing to accept. You get to decide to say “yes” or say “no” or say “please find more funds and get back to me.” You are worthy of what you produce and share. You decide who you will do a workshop/presentation/lecture/etc. for a lower fee based on your values. This will be different for everyone in the field.
Some of the most funds will come from academic spaces as they are run like businesses. If you wish to reach people of Color your fee may have to decrease as many organizations reaching out to us have limited funds (see white supremacy for reasons around this).
When you do accept a position, do your best work each time, regardless of the amount. It is your reputation, life’s work, and often the spaces paying the least amount of money need you the most. If you have time to, always write a personal thank you card to the hosts of the event.
You are worthy. The work you do is important and needed.
For inquires or to hire LatiNegraSexologist@gmail.com
A series for Latinx Heritage Month (Sept 15-Oct 15)
I’ll be posting some things I’ve learned over the 18 years I’ve been in the sexology and sex/uality field. Some of them will be joyous and abundant. Others will not be. They will all be true and based on my personal experiences in the US and when I’ve gone abroad.
both will be hashtags I’ll use for this.